Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
