I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
