guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
