I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
