And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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