A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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