I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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