i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
