I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
