I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
