she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
