No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
