i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
