I didn't shave. On purpose
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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