I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
