He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
