i don't plan on having that self control this summer
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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