It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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