I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
