Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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