I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
