I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
