mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
