dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
