Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
