I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize