I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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