Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
