I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize