My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
