he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
