Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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