i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
