Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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