Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
