I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize