And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize