I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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