i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
