Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
