did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize