We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
