I am spending my child support on dildos
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize