i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
