I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You're so nebulous sometimes
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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