I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
