can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
