Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
