Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
