I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This is my life. Enjoy the view
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
