2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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