Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
