dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize