this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize