i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
