You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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