i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
