Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Randomize
