We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
