If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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