I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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