I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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