just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
